Confessions…

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

# posted by NT2you : 1:47 AM 0 comments links to this post

Newsmaker

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.

Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children,
grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls
who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.”

Priest: ‘And Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Then why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I’m telling everybody!”

Drugs Dillusion

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,”You’re cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”

She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

Memory Decay?

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young
girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. “I’m
90 years old,” he says.

“Ninety!” comments the madam “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” said the old man, “how much do I owe you?”

What Faces Mean To The Chinese

An American, Japanese and Chinese guy went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”

As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Chinese replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my country, it’s the face that people recognize.” .