Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.
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I was born intelligent – education ruined me.
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Practice makes perfect…..
But nobody’s perfect……
so why practice?
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If it’s true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
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Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
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Money is not everything.
There’s Mastercard & Visa.
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One should love animals. They are so tasty.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
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The wise never marry,
and when they marry they become otherwise.
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Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
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Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
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“Your future depends on your dreams” So go to sleep
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There should be a better way to start a day.
Than waking up every morning
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“Hard work never killed anybody” But why take the risk
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“Work fascinates me” I can look at it for hours
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God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station….
what more can I say……..

Smiles

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Papal Negotiation:

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour.

The Pope says, “What can I do? “The Colonel says, “I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll donate $10 million to the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, “I am sorry. That is the Lord’s Prayer and I can’t change the words.”

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. “Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll donate $20 million if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’

And the Pope responds, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s Prayer, and I can’t change the words.” So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. “This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $50 million to The Vatican.” The Pope replies, “Let me get back to you.”

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $50 million to the Vatican.”

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, “The bad news is that we’re losing the Gardenia account.”

Aussie customs?

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these “Chinese customs”, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another “Chinese custom” he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow’s bum.

The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says “Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that cow’s bum, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says “Sorry sir, you do not understand; these aren’t Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs.
“What do you mean mate” says the Aussie, “Those aren’t Australian customs.

‘Yes they are”, replied the Chinese man, “for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit”.

Farmer John and His Chickens

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff. “I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ’school crossing’ s!ign seems to make them go even faster.” So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?” “Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to! go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…”

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY: Go slow and watch out for chicks!!